Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hang Tight Amigos

In real life, and in virtual life, I am moving.   

In real life, I'm moving across town and in virtual life...well, I guess I can say the same thing.  I'll be moving from a Blogger platform to Wordpress.  

I believe this will serve all of us well 

Keep posted for new "address".


Monday, February 21, 2011

Your Odor Shouldn't Precede You

I'm using that word "odor" advisedly. 

Let's play pretend...

You've gone online and you've made a great connection with someone.   Now it's time to meet in person.   Do you mind if I suggest a few tips?

These are going to sound very obvious and monotonous to some, but to those who very likely need it, hopefully it will help you score on that date...and score big.

Let me tell you a little tale first about this Sgt. that I used to work with when I was in the Air Force.

While stationed in the Philippines, those of us in the military had the ability to fly to different countries in the region....sometimes for work and sometimes for play, while on leave.

One guy I worked with went to Korea on a shopping trip and he came home with a wife.   Not unusual over there.   The guy wants what he "thinks" is a subservient wife (and those who have married Asian women gold diggers can tell you the rest of the story where that is concerned), but what he gets is usually something quite the opposite.  

This man married a woman who believed as most Koreans do...that garlic is a necessary part of not just enhancing the flavor of foods, but in aiding in the health of the body.   She "forced" him (not physically, but through much nagging) to eat cloves of garlic everyday.  I couldn't tell you how many, but I know it was a lot.

If you go to one of the big cities in South Korea, such as Seoul, you'll be accosted in the nostrils with a very pungent smell...a mixture of things, but a strong element in that mixture is the garlic.

Garlic leaves the body through the pores and it is not a pleasant odor...AT ALL.   It also exits the body through the mouth...hence...major bad breath is the hallmark of anyone who consumes a decent amount of the stuff.  Really, it doesn't take much.    And no amount of gum or mint product is going to mask that mayhem.

This man had a Korean wife who was making him eat cloves of garlic each day for his heart health and it was taking a major toll on him.  No one could stand being around him. I'm sure it caused him more grief and ogida from eating the stuff than he would have suffered had he not eaten it.    If he talked he balled you over and if you stood anywhere near him, the garlic funk fog would pull you into its orbit and beat the crap out of your nostrils. 

One morning, I was in my office, which was about 20 feet or so from the front door to the building and two right turns away.   I heard the front door open and I kid you not...within 15 seconds I called to my co-worker in the outer office....."Sgt. So & So just walked in".     She did what I expected her to do and yelled back to me..." yeah, right".    Not two seconds later....guess who came walking around the corner and into the office?   Sgt. So and So...Garlic Funk and all.

His odor preceded him in the worst possible way.   I'm convinced to this day that the garlic fog that went before and behind him opened and closed doors for him.   It was that powerful.   (Hyperbole alert!)

Garlic is one of the worst things to screw with the olfactory glands of those around you, but I'm sure you can come up with a list of other things that have the same effect.

Cigarette Smoke...I know that those of you who smoke don't want to hear that, but can I be brutally honest with you?   You reek.   Your hair reeks.  Your clothes reek.  Your car reeks.  Your house reeks.  Your breath reeks.  Is that everything?   The only people who can really stand to be around you are other smokers.   Now if you are a hottie of the first order,  then maybe a non-smoker will put up with it for a know, during that honeymoon phase of the relationship, but on a first's just not gonna cut it.

Don't eat anything with beans in it before a date.  No explanation needed.  

As a mega consumer of Coffee, I already know the havoc it wreaks on my breath and that's why I carry a toothbrush, toothpaste and mints with me everywhere I go...and I do it everyday.   I'm ready to be kissed at anytime.   Maybe I should have written that in capital letters so it would stand out???  I AM READY TO BE KISSED ALL THE TIME!!!  You won't find shards of food in my mouth or coffee breath or anything else lurking in the nooks and crannies.   I'm like one of those girls in those goofy gum commercials from the 70s who are walking along the Avenue and Cute, Hunky Guy who doesn't know her ....grabs her and kisses her....and she looks happily at the camera....because she was ready damnit...she was chewing her Double Mint Gum!  

And for Pete's sake...please don't try and mask bad body odor.   IT doesn't work.  It has NEVER worked.  You know why it doesn't work?  Because Bad Body Odor whoops the ass of Good Body Odor every single time.   Good Body Odor has zero wins.   It cannot be done.  Don't even bother.  Don't waste your time. Use the time to actually clean under your arms and elsewhere instead.

Can I tell you one more thing?  It's all well and good that you've scored a date with someone that you've met online, but here's something you have to put in that brain of yours and process accordingly....

Very likely, you are going to meet someone special when you least expect it.  Maybe some time when you're out alone running errands or out casual with friends or family.  You are going to hook up when it isn't planned.   So, it's not cool if you're one of those people who only gussies themselves up for dates.  You should gussy up all the time.  Everyday.  Always be clean and presentable.  Make it a way of life.   I know this all sounds so rudimentary, but I'm telling you...I'm out public ...and it's not necessarily the rule, but the exception.  That shouldn't be.  You're all grown up now.  You have to do these grown up things.    It increases the chances that you'll be able to score yourself a date with a grownup. 

You say a lot about yourself when you're clean all the time.  I'm starting to feel like I'm beating a dead horse.  

Alright, so let's review:

You've cleaned your body and your clothes and your mouth, and your ears and your nose and your fingernails....(you get the idea).

You've trimmed your mustache so you're not tripping over it with your mouth everytime you talk or take a bite of food.  And for crying out loud and Heavens to Mergatroid...can someone please explain that phenomenon to know, the one where men with gray or white beards and mustaches and who smoke a lot go walking around out in public with yellowed edges to their mustaches and beards?  Why do they do that?  Who looks in the mirror and thinks that looks inviting?

I know I'm ranting here a bit, but I really want to see you succeed and you're losing the battle in these small ways.   These are the things which are easy to fix up and tidy up.  

Moving right along....

You put on some nice, unrumpledstilsken clothes.   

Now, the fun part....the part where you spray on that sexy, alluring fragrance.   It's supposed to be a fragrance, an essence.  Not something you've baptized your whole body in.   There's a little hole or a little opening on that bottle for a very good reason.   It's not meant to be pumped 12 times and then one more for good measure.

A dab'll do ya, as the old saying goes.   You want the fragrance to be "about" you, but you don't want it to precede you and smack people in the face.  You also don't want it to waft on after you like some banner flapping in the breeze burning in the noses of those who walk behind you. 

We're adults now.   When I was a little girl, I fooled around with my mom's perfume and sprayed on so much of it I smelled like the illegitimate child of a bordello madame.  I don't do that anymore.  I am an adult now.  

And men, you don't want to smell like Hayseed Joe who only goes out once a year and slicks his hair back like Alfalfa (with animal lard) and who sprays on half the bottle of some old and yellowed label cologne that was manufactured by a company that's been out of business for 25 years now do ya son?   You don't...because you're all grown up now.   You're wearing big boy pants and shoes and socks and everything.  lol.  

I'm just trying to help you here.    Moderation is the key.   What you want is to make sure everything leads up to that moment when you kiss.  That's what a date is all about anyway, right?   Yeah, you want to get acquainted, sure...but that's just so that you can kiss.   What you want is for the other person to lean in.....and as they get THAT close, they pick up your "scent"...and it catapults them in for the kill.   Like some wild animal.

If you need some recommendations for mens and womens fragrances which are sure to please, then hit me up through my email address, but what I think you should do is go and have someone help you at the perfume/cologne counter.   That's what they're there for.

Let me know how it goes.   Keep me in the loop!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Let's Play a Game of Catch Up...

So sorry for the delay in posting...we've had the third death in our immediate family in as many months...need I say more?   We'll leave it at that and press on.

The past two weeks have found me working at a local Mall.   I've been manning a kiosk and providing Tax Advice.  I've loved every minute of it, as I've been meeting some great people, but I've been having way more fun just watching...just observing.  A behavioral scientist would have a field day were they to spend a whole day at the Mall. 

One or two disturbing things I found out while there...I seem to possess this uncanny ability to attract very young boys...and I do mean boys...and I do mean young...

...I'm talking the under 10 year old crowd....and over 60.    And when I say "attract"...I mean, these two age groups make it very clear that they are "interested" in me.

Yesterday, I no sooner finished speaking to someone and as they walked away, I realized they'd been blocking my field of vision into the Victoria's Secret store across from my work area.    What I noticed was this young boy....9 years old at the very most...standing near his mom and brother...sort of pitching a fit.  He obviously had no desire to tag along behind his mom while she shopped for bras and panties.   I stood there, just staring at him and I think I had a smirk on my face as I was enjoying the scene immensely.  I can't figure out why a mom would drag her sons into such a humiliating situation.  I guess because she was never an 8 or 9 year old boy. 

As soon as the lad noticed me watching him, he stopped pitching a fit, smiled a huge smile and winked at me.   It was very obviously one of those "hey baby" winks.    It took me aback, and I think he enjoyed the fact that it did.    He then proceeded to tag along after his mom.      

I was once again engaged in a conversation, when the little casanova and his mom and brother exited the store.  As he walked in the opposite direction; he fixed his gaze on me and when I caught sight of him; he winked at me again.   He amused the hell out of me.  I appreciated his unabashed flirting...because he had no filter.  He pitched a fit with no filter.  He flirted with no filter.  He obviously followed whatever notion came to mind.  Actually, I think his mind had very little to do with his actions.   He did what he's wired to do.     

If you know anything about Malls, the mornings find them filled to overflowing (especially in cold weather) with Senior citizens walking the perimeter for exercise.    I've found that much older men are a lot like that 8 year old boy in Victoria's Secret...they say what's on their mind....there is no filter. 

An older gentleman strode up to me and he did what many men his age do...he invaded my personal "space".   He placed his arm around my shoulders and put his face in real close...too close I could see the chunks of food still lodged inbetween the spaces in his false teeth.   But, putting that aside...he was rather charming in his own little old man way.   He said some very nice things to me.   Very forward things, but he knew how to be a gentleman about it.

What I realized later on in the day, when I gave thought to these two incidents...was how that it seems men who are older than 30 and younger than 55...have definitely sort of forgotten how to tap into their once-younger selves and their yet-to-be-old man selves.   If a man would merge the two styles, then he would surely project a confidence and a sort of cockiness which is as cute as the 8 year old and as charming as the old man. 

to be continued...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm a Big Fan of Isaac Asimov's Humor

A lot of his jokes are total kitsch, but if read or said with a Yiddish accent...the value soars.

Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination, head to toe.

About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone.  He said, "Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes.  Here is a jar.  While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination.  Then we'll continue."

A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar--totally empty.

"Doctor," said Mr. Ginsberg.  "I did my best.  I tried with my right hand; I tried with my left hand.  I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened."

The doctor said soothingly, "Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don't feel embarrassed.  At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent."

Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, "What do you mean, impotent?  I couldn't open the jar."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

She Nails It !

click here 4: True Confessions of an Online Dating Addict, #2

I don't remember how, but I came across this blog where the young lady has posted her online dating experience in the form of a cartoon.   Even though all of them in the series are pertinent to my life and anyone else who has ever dated...I find that this particular cartoon nails perfectly the type of guys who endeavor to engraciate themselves to women in search of a beau.

Find the Rest of the Confessions Here (scroll down page)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"IF" Question #2

"If you had to describe your worst medical experience, what would it be?"

Fortunately, I was somewhat pre-drugged before this procedure, but I was way more awake than not.   

Back in 1997, I started having what a cardiologist thought was a spasm in my main artery.  He put me through a battery of stress tests and on a nuclear x-ray he saw what he believed to be a spasm.

The Doc scheduled me for a cardiac catheterization.   In a nutshell, my "heart cath" involved the insertion of a guide wire into the artery in my groin and then it got pushed up into my heart...enabling the cardiologist to view my innards.   He injected a chemical into my artery to replicate the spasm.  

Here's the part though that made this my worst medical experience...even worse than child birth in some aspects...

I was about 35 yrs old at the time and I was just lying there, as the anesthesiologist began my Valium "drip".   A young man came over to me with a small, metal cart and announced that he would have to shave the area where the needle would be inserted.   It didn't matter how clean-shaven I might have been by my own standards; I needed to be super duper cleanly shaved by hospital standards.  

I've had my legs spread in front of male doctors for the births of both of my babies, but this was the most awkward I felt because it was just me and this young man there the time.  Everyone else was walking about or checking monitors off to the side.   It was just me, lying on my back...looking at him...all 23 years of him (at the very most)...standing over me...looking rather nervous.   He looked so nervous that I wondered if it was his first time shaving a woman's "groin" and I was praying to the saint of groins that he didn't miss and knick me somewhere else..........

I spoke first, as he just kept smiling sheepishly at me and by doing so, he was making me more nervous.   I usually make the most of awkward situations by joking my way through it, and this time was no different.

I asked him if he wanted me to do it and then we could say that he did it...that seemed to relax him a bit...and it broke the silence. 

Here's something about me.....I am VERY ticklish.   Very.  As he began to shave me; I began to laugh and move about.  Now he really didn't know what to do with me.   It was the most excruciating 10 or 15 minutes as he would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm.  Then, we'd both laugh nervously...and he'd make another go of it.    He would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm and giggle.  Shave, squirm, giggle, stop.  Shave, squirm, giggle, stop.   In thinking about it all now; I'm sure to any onlookers it had to be a hilarious site to behold.

At times, I felt my reaction probably came off as a bit sexual, but I was trying to reassure him that I was just very, very ticklish.  I went so far as to tell him that he was welcome to go to the waiting room and ask my husband to verify that I was in fact, very ticklish. 

We finally got through that.   I was glad that I would very likely never have to go through that again, but for the young man...I wondered how many times he had to shave the groins of men and women having operations.   What a job, huh?  Hope there was room for advancement in his career field...whatever it was. 

It was awesomely cool to watch on the big screen as the doctor inserted the wire into my artery...even though I was mostly out of it due to the Valium.    The annoying part for me and the doctor was that the hospital had forgotten to have the prescription sent over of the stuff he wanted to inject in me to mimic the spasm and thereby determine if that is what was wrong.

Consequently, he had to abort the rest of the operation.   While his assistants got me ready for the recovery room, he, in a fit of anger, went out into the waiting room and pitched a front of my husband.  This caused my husband to believe that the doctor had "lost" me.   That I had died.   When the cardiologist realized he wasn't alone in the waiting lounge, he did everything he could to let my husband know that I was fine, but that the operation had more or less been done in vain.  He was able to determine that my arteries were clean and clear as a whistle, but he wasn't able to complete his experiment.

The worst part of recovery was that I had two people standing over me, pushing down on the groin, where the needle was inserted to stop the bleeding.  They had to do this for 20 least... and they stood there, while I pretended to be asleep...talking about football and girlfriends and private bedroom matters, etc.    It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.  

Every so often, if I overexert myself through physical exercise...I will feel a slight twinge in my groin...and it will remind me of that young man who had to shave me and the two guys who talked "shop" as if I wasn't even in the room.  I often wonder what the young man with the razor is shaving these days?   lol.