A lot of his jokes are total kitsch, but if read or said with a Yiddish accent...the value soars.
Mr. Ginsberg, age 83, went to the doctor for a complete examination, head to toe.
About halfway through, the doctor was called to the telephone. He said, "Mr. Ginsberg, this will not take more than a few minutes. Here is a jar. While I am gone, go to the bathroom and place a semen sample in it for examination. Then we'll continue."
A few minutes later, the doctor indeed returned, and there stood Mr. Ginsberg with the jar--totally empty.
"Doctor," said Mr. Ginsberg. "I did my best. I tried with my right hand; I tried with my left hand. I even tried with both hands, but nothing happened."
The doctor said soothingly, "Now, Mr. Ginsberg, don't feel embarrassed. At the age of 83, it is quite common to be impotent."
Whereupon Ginsberg said, with towering indignation, "What do you mean, impotent? I couldn't open the jar."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
She Nails It !
click here 4: True Confessions of an Online Dating Addict, #2
I don't remember how, but I came across this blog where the young lady has posted her online dating experience in the form of a cartoon. Even though all of them in the series are pertinent to my life and anyone else who has ever dated...I find that this particular cartoon nails perfectly the type of guys who endeavor to engraciate themselves to women in search of a beau.
Find the Rest of the Confessions Here (scroll down page)
I don't remember how, but I came across this blog where the young lady has posted her online dating experience in the form of a cartoon. Even though all of them in the series are pertinent to my life and anyone else who has ever dated...I find that this particular cartoon nails perfectly the type of guys who endeavor to engraciate themselves to women in search of a beau.
Find the Rest of the Confessions Here (scroll down page)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Audio Message from Yours Truly
Audio Message, Part 1
Audio Message, Part 2
Kosher Sex Lecture Clip #1
Kosher Sex Lecture Clip #2
Infidelity Clip
Audio Message, Part 2
Kosher Sex Lecture Clip #1
Kosher Sex Lecture Clip #2
Infidelity Clip
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"IF" Question #2
"If you had to describe your worst medical experience, what would it be?"
Fortunately, I was somewhat pre-drugged before this procedure, but I was way more awake than not.
Back in 1997, I started having what a cardiologist thought was a spasm in my main artery. He put me through a battery of stress tests and on a nuclear x-ray he saw what he believed to be a spasm.
The Doc scheduled me for a cardiac catheterization. In a nutshell, my "heart cath" involved the insertion of a guide wire into the artery in my groin and then it got pushed up into my heart...enabling the cardiologist to view my innards. He injected a chemical into my artery to replicate the spasm.
Here's the part though that made this my worst medical experience...even worse than child birth in some aspects...
I was about 35 yrs old at the time and I was just lying there, as the anesthesiologist began my Valium "drip". A young man came over to me with a small, metal cart and announced that he would have to shave the area where the needle would be inserted. It didn't matter how clean-shaven I might have been by my own standards; I needed to be super duper cleanly shaved by hospital standards.
I've had my legs spread in front of male doctors for the births of both of my babies, but this was the most awkward I felt because it was just me and this young man there the time. Everyone else was walking about or checking monitors off to the side. It was just me, lying on my back...looking at him...all 23 years of him (at the very most)...standing over me...looking rather nervous. He looked so nervous that I wondered if it was his first time shaving a woman's "groin" and I was praying to the saint of groins that he didn't miss and knick me somewhere else..........
I spoke first, as he just kept smiling sheepishly at me and by doing so, he was making me more nervous. I usually make the most of awkward situations by joking my way through it, and this time was no different.
I asked him if he wanted me to do it and then we could say that he did it...that seemed to relax him a bit...and me...as it broke the silence.
Here's something about me.....I am VERY ticklish. Very. As he began to shave me; I began to laugh and move about. Now he really didn't know what to do with me. It was the most excruciating 10 or 15 minutes as he would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm. Then, we'd both laugh nervously...and he'd make another go of it. He would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm and giggle. Shave, squirm, giggle, stop. Shave, squirm, giggle, stop. In thinking about it all now; I'm sure to any onlookers it had to be a hilarious site to behold.
At times, I felt my reaction probably came off as a bit sexual, but I was trying to reassure him that I was just very, very ticklish. I went so far as to tell him that he was welcome to go to the waiting room and ask my husband to verify that I was in fact, very ticklish.
We finally got through that. I was glad that I would very likely never have to go through that again, but for the young man...I wondered how many times he had to shave the groins of men and women having operations. What a job, huh? Hope there was room for advancement in his career field...whatever it was.
It was awesomely cool to watch on the big screen as the doctor inserted the wire into my artery...even though I was mostly out of it due to the Valium. The annoying part for me and the doctor was that the hospital had forgotten to have the prescription sent over of the stuff he wanted to inject in me to mimic the spasm and thereby determine if that is what was wrong.
Consequently, he had to abort the rest of the operation. While his assistants got me ready for the recovery room, he, in a fit of anger, went out into the waiting room and pitched a fit....in front of my husband. This caused my husband to believe that the doctor had "lost" me. That I had died. When the cardiologist realized he wasn't alone in the waiting lounge, he did everything he could to let my husband know that I was fine, but that the operation had more or less been done in vain. He was able to determine that my arteries were clean and clear as a whistle, but he wasn't able to complete his experiment.
The worst part of recovery was that I had two people standing over me, pushing down on the groin, where the needle was inserted to stop the bleeding. They had to do this for 20 minutes...at least... and they stood there, while I pretended to be asleep...talking about football and girlfriends and private bedroom matters, etc. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
Every so often, if I overexert myself through physical exercise...I will feel a slight twinge in my groin...and it will remind me of that young man who had to shave me and the two guys who talked "shop" as if I wasn't even in the room. I often wonder what the young man with the razor is shaving these days? lol.
Fortunately, I was somewhat pre-drugged before this procedure, but I was way more awake than not.
Back in 1997, I started having what a cardiologist thought was a spasm in my main artery. He put me through a battery of stress tests and on a nuclear x-ray he saw what he believed to be a spasm.
The Doc scheduled me for a cardiac catheterization. In a nutshell, my "heart cath" involved the insertion of a guide wire into the artery in my groin and then it got pushed up into my heart...enabling the cardiologist to view my innards. He injected a chemical into my artery to replicate the spasm.
Here's the part though that made this my worst medical experience...even worse than child birth in some aspects...
I was about 35 yrs old at the time and I was just lying there, as the anesthesiologist began my Valium "drip". A young man came over to me with a small, metal cart and announced that he would have to shave the area where the needle would be inserted. It didn't matter how clean-shaven I might have been by my own standards; I needed to be super duper cleanly shaved by hospital standards.
I've had my legs spread in front of male doctors for the births of both of my babies, but this was the most awkward I felt because it was just me and this young man there the time. Everyone else was walking about or checking monitors off to the side. It was just me, lying on my back...looking at him...all 23 years of him (at the very most)...standing over me...looking rather nervous. He looked so nervous that I wondered if it was his first time shaving a woman's "groin" and I was praying to the saint of groins that he didn't miss and knick me somewhere else..........
I spoke first, as he just kept smiling sheepishly at me and by doing so, he was making me more nervous. I usually make the most of awkward situations by joking my way through it, and this time was no different.
I asked him if he wanted me to do it and then we could say that he did it...that seemed to relax him a bit...and me...as it broke the silence.
Here's something about me.....I am VERY ticklish. Very. As he began to shave me; I began to laugh and move about. Now he really didn't know what to do with me. It was the most excruciating 10 or 15 minutes as he would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm. Then, we'd both laugh nervously...and he'd make another go of it. He would begin to shave and I would begin to squirm and giggle. Shave, squirm, giggle, stop. Shave, squirm, giggle, stop. In thinking about it all now; I'm sure to any onlookers it had to be a hilarious site to behold.
At times, I felt my reaction probably came off as a bit sexual, but I was trying to reassure him that I was just very, very ticklish. I went so far as to tell him that he was welcome to go to the waiting room and ask my husband to verify that I was in fact, very ticklish.
We finally got through that. I was glad that I would very likely never have to go through that again, but for the young man...I wondered how many times he had to shave the groins of men and women having operations. What a job, huh? Hope there was room for advancement in his career field...whatever it was.
It was awesomely cool to watch on the big screen as the doctor inserted the wire into my artery...even though I was mostly out of it due to the Valium. The annoying part for me and the doctor was that the hospital had forgotten to have the prescription sent over of the stuff he wanted to inject in me to mimic the spasm and thereby determine if that is what was wrong.
Consequently, he had to abort the rest of the operation. While his assistants got me ready for the recovery room, he, in a fit of anger, went out into the waiting room and pitched a fit....in front of my husband. This caused my husband to believe that the doctor had "lost" me. That I had died. When the cardiologist realized he wasn't alone in the waiting lounge, he did everything he could to let my husband know that I was fine, but that the operation had more or less been done in vain. He was able to determine that my arteries were clean and clear as a whistle, but he wasn't able to complete his experiment.
The worst part of recovery was that I had two people standing over me, pushing down on the groin, where the needle was inserted to stop the bleeding. They had to do this for 20 minutes...at least... and they stood there, while I pretended to be asleep...talking about football and girlfriends and private bedroom matters, etc. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
Every so often, if I overexert myself through physical exercise...I will feel a slight twinge in my groin...and it will remind me of that young man who had to shave me and the two guys who talked "shop" as if I wasn't even in the room. I often wonder what the young man with the razor is shaving these days? lol.
Monday, January 3, 2011
and I quote......
"There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of the imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don't work."
— Anaïs Nin
— Anaïs Nin
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
More Than a Tourist, Part # 1
ANAIS NIN
It's very easy to re-gift, re-package, re-Tweet or re-gurgitate what others have already said, but there's no excitement or inspiration in that. I love these quotes from Anais Nin, but they are her observations and not my own. In reading what she's expressed...the words have opened a wellspring of thoughts for me as I've applied them to various areas of my life.
Today in particular, I've found these thoughts to be very relevant when assessing myself as a 40-something year old woman living in a post divorce world...trying to make heads or tails out of what the hell I want from it (PDW) and what the hell I want to give to it (PDW).
You're going to find, as we get acquainted, that I have very strong opinions and feelings about men and women and how we interact with one another sensually and about the whole idea of marriage and what I consider to be the deleterious effects thereof. And as I'm such a nice person, I'll warn you ahead of time that I'm confident enough in my beliefs and in my experiences so that I'm not afraid to wield them to make some very bold statements. Statements which might set me at odds with my own gender and which I'm quite happy to do......if it will help????
Slavery to a Pattern
"I will not be a tourist in the world of images..."
O.K, here's where I'm at.....
I'm on the sick and tired side of living life in any sort of mundane or predictable fashion. Society seems to dictate the ever-evolving norms that we're to live by and quite frankly I'd like to tell society what it can do with it's norms.
I'm on the sick and tired side of living life in any sort of mundane or predictable fashion. Society seems to dictate the ever-evolving norms that we're to live by and quite frankly I'd like to tell society what it can do with it's norms.
I've no desire to be that "tourist" which Anais speaks of....walking and gawking at what others have created and presented for viewing. I want to "be" the attraction. Not like one of P.T. Barnum's side show freaks, but rather a woman who is living her life in such a way so that it's painfully obvious to those viewing it that I'm weaving my dreams and fantasies into the fibers of every moment. That's a tall order. It sounds like a tall order as I write this; I won't lie to you. What's the alternative though? Sitting on my biscuit? Never willing to risk it?
So, let's be real and honest. Let's be real honest.
I don't have the statistics in front of me, but I would venture to guess that a decent part of the day for most adults is spent thinking about sex or their sensuality or some derivative thereof. I don't think I need to belabor the point as most music, movies, TV shows, websites, magazines, books, adult store sales, advertising, conversations and private thoughts prove me out.
It's my contention that we find ourselves thinking about it and fantasizing about it so often because we don't get enough of it!! I'm a genius, aren't I? It should be that one area of our lives that is fun and spontaneous and even daring at times, and yet, it seems it's the one place where monotony likes to settle in and make itself a little nest where it hatches "little monotonies"...and the monotonous beat goes on.
Having said all that, you're probably wondering how I intend to be a spectacle without being a freak....so as to be more than a tourist...
Good question.
I'm not sure. I'm working that out as we speak, but I know this: it will involve making a conscious effort to incorporate more sensuality into my life and to seek out those who are also seeking a more thrilling day-to-day existence. I'm going to lengthen the leash on my sexuality and see what kind of trouble it can get in. Making love to the images passing me by...and making them permanent sources of joy and ecstasy.
Obviously though, working towards my PinUp Photo Session in April is a great start in the move away from monotony.
In my next post, I'll tell you about another iron I'm preparing for the fire.
to be continued...
It's my contention that we find ourselves thinking about it and fantasizing about it so often because we don't get enough of it!! I'm a genius, aren't I? It should be that one area of our lives that is fun and spontaneous and even daring at times, and yet, it seems it's the one place where monotony likes to settle in and make itself a little nest where it hatches "little monotonies"...and the monotonous beat goes on.
Having said all that, you're probably wondering how I intend to be a spectacle without being a freak....so as to be more than a tourist...
Good question.
I'm not sure. I'm working that out as we speak, but I know this: it will involve making a conscious effort to incorporate more sensuality into my life and to seek out those who are also seeking a more thrilling day-to-day existence. I'm going to lengthen the leash on my sexuality and see what kind of trouble it can get in. Making love to the images passing me by...and making them permanent sources of joy and ecstasy.
Obviously though, working towards my PinUp Photo Session in April is a great start in the move away from monotony.
In my next post, I'll tell you about another iron I'm preparing for the fire.
to be continued...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"IF" Question # 1
Not long ago, I came across a book on a clearance rack at my local Barnes and Noble for a buck...so I bought it. I skimmed over it and placed it on a shelf. Life got insanely busy after that and I never paid it any attention...until last night.
It'd just gotten home from Christmas Eve at my Mom's house. I'd just gotten done taking a shower and making a pot of coffee. I'd just gotten done talking to my daughter before she trooped off to bed.
I just sat there...
staring at my Christmas tree...
nothing else illuminated...
I love that. It's cozy.
I decided to grab a book and read till I felt drowsy.
The book I grabbed happened to be the one I skimmed all those many months ago. The title of it is If...(Questions for the Game of Life)
I actually don't like the book all that much. It's a compilation of "If" questions meant to spark the imagination and conversation. A lot of the "ifs" are goofy and some are downright odd and I wonder about the folks from whose minds they originated...having said that; I like the concept. I sort of picture a Dinner Party where questions which are normally taboo at the table are open for discussion. Lively discussion... using the questions from the book as the impetus for debate.
I hail from a family who eagerly speak their mind and who eagerly offer up their opinions on a broad range of subjects. This can be good or bad, depending on the time and place, but last night...it seemed to be good. There were several dinner guests who lingered at the table after dessert and who engaged one another in everything from politics to religion to sports to cars to doctors to how to raise children to.....you name it! And because it wasn't a run of the mill after dinner chat; the circle of participants began to widen over time until all but the children were drawn in.
The topic of sex was not broached last night as that is usually reserved for non-coed gatherings. And really, during our family get togethers it has never been deemed an appropriate subject.
This blog is not a family gathering (thankfully) and I deem the subject of sex to be highly appropriate (with limitations of course) and so I'd like to use questions from the book to stimulate blog topics from time to time. That's not to say that all of the questions will be sexual in nature, but some will surely be.
First question:
"IF...you could have changed one thing about your first sexual experience, what would it be?"
My Answer: I would have changed my age, for sure. I was 18 and had been going with this guy for a while. I didn't want to "do it" and he was putting the pressure on big time (driven with a whip by his hormones, I'm sure!) He was a little older than me and I was not ready for what would happen to me emotionally after that encounter. I don't think I could have been prepared. Actually, each sexual experience brings with it a unique set of emotional dynamics, but the "first...is the wirst". lol.
At that time, I was of the mind that to have sex with a guy meant you were very serious and to be very serious meant you were in love and to be in love meant a future together.
I found out that having sex was the worst thing I could have done (especially in the back of his '68 Cougar) It ruined everything! Even though it brought the two of us closer together; it also brought in a lot of seriousness which neither of us really wanted, or for that matter, needed. So, it brought us closer together while simultaneously pulling us further apart.
On a more positive note and if you've read where I wrote about tampons...then you'll understand when I say that after having sex for the first time, I was finally able to insert the damn things!
It'd just gotten home from Christmas Eve at my Mom's house. I'd just gotten done taking a shower and making a pot of coffee. I'd just gotten done talking to my daughter before she trooped off to bed.
I just sat there...
staring at my Christmas tree...
nothing else illuminated...
I love that. It's cozy.
I decided to grab a book and read till I felt drowsy.
The book I grabbed happened to be the one I skimmed all those many months ago. The title of it is If...(Questions for the Game of Life)
I actually don't like the book all that much. It's a compilation of "If" questions meant to spark the imagination and conversation. A lot of the "ifs" are goofy and some are downright odd and I wonder about the folks from whose minds they originated...having said that; I like the concept. I sort of picture a Dinner Party where questions which are normally taboo at the table are open for discussion. Lively discussion... using the questions from the book as the impetus for debate.
I hail from a family who eagerly speak their mind and who eagerly offer up their opinions on a broad range of subjects. This can be good or bad, depending on the time and place, but last night...it seemed to be good. There were several dinner guests who lingered at the table after dessert and who engaged one another in everything from politics to religion to sports to cars to doctors to how to raise children to.....you name it! And because it wasn't a run of the mill after dinner chat; the circle of participants began to widen over time until all but the children were drawn in.
The topic of sex was not broached last night as that is usually reserved for non-coed gatherings. And really, during our family get togethers it has never been deemed an appropriate subject.
This blog is not a family gathering (thankfully) and I deem the subject of sex to be highly appropriate (with limitations of course) and so I'd like to use questions from the book to stimulate blog topics from time to time. That's not to say that all of the questions will be sexual in nature, but some will surely be.
First question:
"IF...you could have changed one thing about your first sexual experience, what would it be?"
My Answer: I would have changed my age, for sure. I was 18 and had been going with this guy for a while. I didn't want to "do it" and he was putting the pressure on big time (driven with a whip by his hormones, I'm sure!) He was a little older than me and I was not ready for what would happen to me emotionally after that encounter. I don't think I could have been prepared. Actually, each sexual experience brings with it a unique set of emotional dynamics, but the "first...is the wirst". lol.
At that time, I was of the mind that to have sex with a guy meant you were very serious and to be very serious meant you were in love and to be in love meant a future together.
I found out that having sex was the worst thing I could have done (especially in the back of his '68 Cougar) It ruined everything! Even though it brought the two of us closer together; it also brought in a lot of seriousness which neither of us really wanted, or for that matter, needed. So, it brought us closer together while simultaneously pulling us further apart.
On a more positive note and if you've read where I wrote about tampons...then you'll understand when I say that after having sex for the first time, I was finally able to insert the damn things!
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