Monday, December 20, 2010

Some Friendly Advice About Online Dating, Part 1

Oh man, I don't even know where to begin on this subject.  It's a wide open field, but let me start by saying:  "Dudes, what the hell?"...

"What the hell what?"  you ask?  What the hell this: 

...if you ever want to really connect with a woman; you have to take a few tips from one.......namely, moi. 

I think I'm going to narrow my field even further, by speaking specifically to men who are 45 and older, as I've noticed some strangely similar personality quirks across the board in men this age who sign up for online dating and pen pal sites.    And these quirks of yours have to stop.  They have to be vanquished... Now!

I say this in all candor and so...

Let's cover a few things real quick.  And let's hope these few things can be of real quick help to you.  Remember, a friend is someone who knows the truth and doesn't keep it from you. I'm that friend.   I've had to learn these things the hard way and hope you can benefit from my "findings".   

That being said:

1.  Your "handle" sucks Good Buddy! 

O.K., CB radio-style handles went out with the 70s. I know.  I was there.    I can see that you're trying to be honest about who you are by picking that goofy grandpa-style user name, which you think is quaint and "neat", but really it just makes women roll their eyes.  In a word, it sucks.  I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you've a perfectly good reason for the one you've chosen, but whatever the reason...the one you've chosen just makes you sound OLD!  Ditch it.  Put it out with the trash.

The bad thing about appearing old online is the fact that you've only got a short time...a few seconds... to attract attention to yourself in a positive way.  It's usually a quick glance of your picture and so the right user name is part of that initial hook.   

Let's be real here...You've already got so much working against you....gravity, the ever-ticking clock, gray hair, no hair,  belly flab, competition with much younger guys, being out of practice when it comes to woo-ing members of the opposite sex....

...and so when you attach yourself to a moniker such as..."rustybucket"  or  "swineman" (because you raise pigs) or "krankyoldman" or  "grandpaBill" or  "gummingmyfood" when you're over 50  (or any age for that matter)'s just not gonna cut it.  The hard and cruel facts are that we are all out there searching...each of us sporting our own dating game handicap and we need all the help we can get and the best place to start is in an alluring profile name.   

You may say, "I'm not out there looking to date.  I just want to make friends online".   Doesn't matter. (and I'm not sure I believe you anyway)  If you were standing here in front of me, I'd throw some cold water in your face or slap you to wake you from your ignorant stupor.   The reality is; we care about this stuff even if all we are looking for is someone to chat it up with online.    It's just an undeniable truth.  Don't fight it.  Work with it!

Now I could go real "fatal" on you and defeatist and figure that if you're not wise enough to pick a better name  then it's really too late to teach that dog how to hunt... how to pick up the scent and track down his prey.    Might just be better off hanging out at the local V.F.W. throwing back some 50 cent Suds with your old war buddies cause it would seem the online realm doesn't suit you.

Hey, I'm 48, but I'm not looking to hang out on the front porch rocking back and forth with Grandpa.  If I want that, I'll go walk next door and hang out with my dad for a couple of hours and we can talk about how great life is now compared to when he was a punk kid back in the 50s.    

In a way, I think we are all looking to have the virtual air around us sizzle with a little bit of sexual tension and excitement ...a little bit of spontaneous, flirtatious banter.  Let's face's fun! makes us feel good.  Gets those good "feel good" hormones pumping through our bodies!!

And here's one for the younger guys.  Those under 30:   please stop walking around with a chip on your shoulder ready to be offended at the slightest perceived injustice.  And I use the word perceived advisedly.    This is where you guys can probably learn something from the older men.   They are way more laid back in their approach and far less "in your face" and cocky.  

Having said that, in true feminine fickle fashion, I have to admit that the cockiness....the strutting around like a rooster in the hen house,  can be an alluring quality, but not when it's all show and no go, then it's just obnoxious.  

Overall though, the best thing to do, as I've had to to approach the whole process with lighthearted and humorous receptors and just be yourself. 

Be yourself, but be mindful that you have to use the correct bait if you're going to lay your hook into something worthy of being reeled in.   Humor is a great way "in" and a great way to stay "in" and one of the best flirting devices of all time. 

So, a great user name and be yourself and spice the whole mix with some humor.......that's a start.

Next time, let's talk about the pictures we post.

to be continued...