Monday, February 21, 2011

Your Odor Shouldn't Precede You

I'm using that word "odor" advisedly. 

Let's play pretend...

You've gone online and you've made a great connection with someone.   Now it's time to meet in person.   Do you mind if I suggest a few tips?

These are going to sound very obvious and monotonous to some, but to those who very likely need it, hopefully it will help you score on that date...and score big.

Let me tell you a little tale first about this Sgt. that I used to work with when I was in the Air Force.

While stationed in the Philippines, those of us in the military had the ability to fly to different countries in the region....sometimes for work and sometimes for play, while on leave.

One guy I worked with went to Korea on a shopping trip and he came home with a wife.   Not unusual over there.   The guy wants what he "thinks" is a subservient wife (and those who have married Asian women gold diggers can tell you the rest of the story where that is concerned), but what he gets is usually something quite the opposite.  

This man married a woman who believed as most Koreans do...that garlic is a necessary part of not just enhancing the flavor of foods, but in aiding in the health of the body.   She "forced" him (not physically, but through much nagging) to eat cloves of garlic everyday.  I couldn't tell you how many, but I know it was a lot.

If you go to one of the big cities in South Korea, such as Seoul, you'll be accosted in the nostrils with a very pungent smell...a mixture of things, but a strong element in that mixture is the garlic.

Garlic leaves the body through the pores and it is not a pleasant odor...AT ALL.   It also exits the body through the mouth...hence...major bad breath is the hallmark of anyone who consumes a decent amount of the stuff.  Really, it doesn't take much.    And no amount of gum or mint product is going to mask that mayhem.

This man had a Korean wife who was making him eat cloves of garlic each day for his heart health and it was taking a major toll on him.  No one could stand being around him. I'm sure it caused him more grief and ogida from eating the stuff than he would have suffered had he not eaten it.    If he talked he balled you over and if you stood anywhere near him, the garlic funk fog would pull you into its orbit and beat the crap out of your nostrils. 

One morning, I was in my office, which was about 20 feet or so from the front door to the building and two right turns away.   I heard the front door open and I kid you not...within 15 seconds I called to my co-worker in the outer office....."Sgt. So & So just walked in".     She did what I expected her to do and yelled back to me..." yeah, right".    Not two seconds later....guess who came walking around the corner and into the office?   Sgt. So and So...Garlic Funk and all.

His odor preceded him in the worst possible way.   I'm convinced to this day that the garlic fog that went before and behind him opened and closed doors for him.   It was that powerful.   (Hyperbole alert!)

Garlic is one of the worst things to screw with the olfactory glands of those around you, but I'm sure you can come up with a list of other things that have the same effect.

Cigarette Smoke...I know that those of you who smoke don't want to hear that, but can I be brutally honest with you?   You reek.   Your hair reeks.  Your clothes reek.  Your car reeks.  Your house reeks.  Your breath reeks.  Is that everything?   The only people who can really stand to be around you are other smokers.   Now if you are a hottie of the first order,  then maybe a non-smoker will put up with it for a know, during that honeymoon phase of the relationship, but on a first's just not gonna cut it.

Don't eat anything with beans in it before a date.  No explanation needed.  

As a mega consumer of Coffee, I already know the havoc it wreaks on my breath and that's why I carry a toothbrush, toothpaste and mints with me everywhere I go...and I do it everyday.   I'm ready to be kissed at anytime.   Maybe I should have written that in capital letters so it would stand out???  I AM READY TO BE KISSED ALL THE TIME!!!  You won't find shards of food in my mouth or coffee breath or anything else lurking in the nooks and crannies.   I'm like one of those girls in those goofy gum commercials from the 70s who are walking along the Avenue and Cute, Hunky Guy who doesn't know her ....grabs her and kisses her....and she looks happily at the camera....because she was ready damnit...she was chewing her Double Mint Gum!  

And for Pete's sake...please don't try and mask bad body odor.   IT doesn't work.  It has NEVER worked.  You know why it doesn't work?  Because Bad Body Odor whoops the ass of Good Body Odor every single time.   Good Body Odor has zero wins.   It cannot be done.  Don't even bother.  Don't waste your time. Use the time to actually clean under your arms and elsewhere instead.

Can I tell you one more thing?  It's all well and good that you've scored a date with someone that you've met online, but here's something you have to put in that brain of yours and process accordingly....

Very likely, you are going to meet someone special when you least expect it.  Maybe some time when you're out alone running errands or out casual with friends or family.  You are going to hook up when it isn't planned.   So, it's not cool if you're one of those people who only gussies themselves up for dates.  You should gussy up all the time.  Everyday.  Always be clean and presentable.  Make it a way of life.   I know this all sounds so rudimentary, but I'm telling you...I'm out public ...and it's not necessarily the rule, but the exception.  That shouldn't be.  You're all grown up now.  You have to do these grown up things.    It increases the chances that you'll be able to score yourself a date with a grownup. 

You say a lot about yourself when you're clean all the time.  I'm starting to feel like I'm beating a dead horse.  

Alright, so let's review:

You've cleaned your body and your clothes and your mouth, and your ears and your nose and your fingernails....(you get the idea).

You've trimmed your mustache so you're not tripping over it with your mouth everytime you talk or take a bite of food.  And for crying out loud and Heavens to Mergatroid...can someone please explain that phenomenon to know, the one where men with gray or white beards and mustaches and who smoke a lot go walking around out in public with yellowed edges to their mustaches and beards?  Why do they do that?  Who looks in the mirror and thinks that looks inviting?

I know I'm ranting here a bit, but I really want to see you succeed and you're losing the battle in these small ways.   These are the things which are easy to fix up and tidy up.  

Moving right along....

You put on some nice, unrumpledstilsken clothes.   

Now, the fun part....the part where you spray on that sexy, alluring fragrance.   It's supposed to be a fragrance, an essence.  Not something you've baptized your whole body in.   There's a little hole or a little opening on that bottle for a very good reason.   It's not meant to be pumped 12 times and then one more for good measure.

A dab'll do ya, as the old saying goes.   You want the fragrance to be "about" you, but you don't want it to precede you and smack people in the face.  You also don't want it to waft on after you like some banner flapping in the breeze burning in the noses of those who walk behind you. 

We're adults now.   When I was a little girl, I fooled around with my mom's perfume and sprayed on so much of it I smelled like the illegitimate child of a bordello madame.  I don't do that anymore.  I am an adult now.  

And men, you don't want to smell like Hayseed Joe who only goes out once a year and slicks his hair back like Alfalfa (with animal lard) and who sprays on half the bottle of some old and yellowed label cologne that was manufactured by a company that's been out of business for 25 years now do ya son?   You don't...because you're all grown up now.   You're wearing big boy pants and shoes and socks and everything.  lol.  

I'm just trying to help you here.    Moderation is the key.   What you want is to make sure everything leads up to that moment when you kiss.  That's what a date is all about anyway, right?   Yeah, you want to get acquainted, sure...but that's just so that you can kiss.   What you want is for the other person to lean in.....and as they get THAT close, they pick up your "scent"...and it catapults them in for the kill.   Like some wild animal.

If you need some recommendations for mens and womens fragrances which are sure to please, then hit me up through my email address, but what I think you should do is go and have someone help you at the perfume/cologne counter.   That's what they're there for.

Let me know how it goes.   Keep me in the loop!