More Than a Tourist, Part # 1

"Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action. They must be woven together."

 "I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy."

ANAIS NIN

It's very easy to re-gift, re-package, re-Tweet or re-gurgitate what others have already said, but there's no excitement or inspiration in that.   I love these quotes from Anais Nin, but they are her observations and not my own.   In reading what she's expressed...the words have opened a wellspring of thoughts for me as I've applied them to various areas of my life.  


Today in particular, I've found these thoughts to be very relevant when assessing myself as a 40-something year old woman living in a post divorce world...trying to make heads or tails out of what the hell I want from it (PDW) and what the hell I want to give to it (PDW).


You're going to find, as we get acquainted, that I have very strong opinions and feelings about men and women and how we interact with one another sensually and about the whole idea of marriage and what I consider to be the deleterious effects thereof.   And as I'm such a nice person, I'll warn you ahead of time that I'm confident enough in my beliefs and in my experiences so that I'm not afraid to wield them to make some very bold statements.  Statements which might set me at odds with my own gender and which I'm quite happy to do......if it will help????


Slavery to a Pattern


"I will not be a tourist in the world of images..."

O.K, here's where I'm at.....


I'm on the sick and tired side of living life in any sort of mundane or predictable fashion.  Society seems to dictate the ever-evolving norms that we're to live by and quite frankly I'd like to tell society what it can do with it's norms.
 

I've no desire to be that "tourist" which Anais speaks of....walking and gawking at what others have created and presented for viewing.  I want to "be" the attraction.   Not like one of P.T. Barnum's side show freaks, but rather a woman who is living her life in such a way so that it's painfully obvious to those viewing it that I'm weaving my dreams and fantasies into the fibers of every moment.  That's a tall order.  It sounds like a tall order as I write this; I won't lie to you.  What's the alternative though? Sitting on my biscuit?  Never willing to risk it?

So, let's be real and honest.  Let's be real honest.
 

I don't have the statistics in front of me, but I would venture to guess that a decent part of the day for most adults is spent thinking about sex or their sensuality or some derivative thereof.  I don't think I need to belabor the point as most music, movies, TV shows, websites, magazines, books, adult store sales, advertising, conversations and private thoughts prove me out.


It's my contention that we find ourselves thinking about it and fantasizing about it so often because we don't get enough of it!!  I'm a genius, aren't I?  It should be that one area of our lives that is fun and spontaneous and even daring at times, and yet, it seems it's the one place where monotony likes to settle in and make itself a little nest where it hatches "little monotonies"...and the monotonous beat goes on.


Having said all that, you're probably wondering how I intend to be a spectacle without being a freak....so as to be more than a tourist...


Good question. 


I'm not sure.  I'm working that out as we speak, but I know this:   it will involve making a conscious effort to incorporate more sensuality into my life and to seek out those who are also seeking a more thrilling day-to-day existence.   I'm going to lengthen the leash on my sexuality and see what kind of trouble it can get in.   Making love to the images passing me by...and making them permanent sources of joy and ecstasy.


Obviously though, working towards my PinUp Photo Session in April is a great start in the move away from monotony.  


In my next post, I'll tell you about another iron I'm preparing for the fire.

to be continued...

"IF" Question # 1

Not long ago, I came across a book on a clearance rack at my local Barnes and Noble for a buck...so I bought it.   I skimmed over it and placed it on a shelf.  Life got insanely busy after that and I never paid it any attention...until last night.   


It'd just gotten home from Christmas Eve at my Mom's house. I'd just gotten done taking a shower and making a pot of coffee.  I'd just gotten done talking to my daughter before she trooped off to bed. 


I just sat there...


staring at my Christmas tree...


nothing else illuminated...


I love that.   It's cozy. 


I decided to grab a book and read till I felt drowsy. 


The book I grabbed happened to be the one I skimmed all those many months ago.  The title of it is If...(Questions for the Game of Life)


I actually don't like the book all that much.  It's a compilation of "If" questions meant to spark the imagination and conversation.   A lot of the "ifs" are goofy and some are downright odd and I wonder about the folks from whose minds they originated...having said that;  I like the concept.  I sort of picture a Dinner Party where questions which are normally taboo at the table are open for discussion.  Lively discussion... using the questions from the book as the impetus for debate.


I hail from a family who eagerly speak their mind and who eagerly offer up their opinions on a broad range of subjects.   This can be good or bad, depending on the time and place, but last night...it seemed to be good.    There were several dinner guests who lingered at the table after dessert and who engaged one another in everything from politics to religion to sports to cars to doctors to how to raise children to.....you name it!  And because it wasn't a run of the mill after dinner chat; the circle of participants began to widen over time until all but the children were drawn in.  


The topic of sex was not broached last night as that is usually reserved for non-coed gatherings.  And really, during our family get togethers it has never been deemed an appropriate subject.


This blog is not a family gathering (thankfully) and I deem the subject of sex to be highly appropriate (with limitations of course) and so I'd like to use questions from the book to stimulate blog topics from time to time.   That's not to say that all of the questions will be sexual in nature, but some will surely be.


First question:


"IF...you could have changed one thing about your first sexual experience, what would it be?"


My Answer:  I would have changed my age, for sure.  I was 18 and had been going with this guy for a while.   I didn't want to "do it" and he was putting the pressure on big time (driven with a whip by his hormones, I'm sure!) He was a little older than me and  I was not ready for what would happen to me emotionally after that encounter.  I don't think I could have been prepared.   Actually, each sexual experience brings with it a unique set of emotional dynamics, but the "first...is the wirst".  lol. 


At that time, I was of the mind that to have sex with a guy meant you were very serious and to be very serious meant you were in love and to be in love meant a future together.  


I found out that having sex was the worst thing I could have done (especially in the back of his '68 Cougar)   It ruined everything!    Even though it brought the two of us closer together; it also brought in a lot of seriousness which neither of us really wanted, or for that matter, needed.  So, it brought us closer together while simultaneously pulling us further apart.


On a more positive note and if you've read where I wrote about tampons...then you'll understand when I say that after having sex for the first time, I was finally able to insert the damn things!